The Impossibility of Control

I haven’t written here in a while, and a lot of that comes down to control.

I sometimes struggle with going about everyday and/or routine things due to something going wrong. When I say “something,” I really mean “anything.” So, when anything goes wrong, all seems wrong.

How stupid, am I right?

All I want is control. Simple request, isn’t it?

Why do I internally freak out about all the responsibilities that I have? Why do I not know how to handle my own emotions when something seems to go off track? Why do I naturally turn inward and try to solve all of the issues on my own?

My sinful heart is naturally bent towards trying to solve, plan, and figure out how to best control everything. Which is why it is so hard to think about my conversion without feeling convicted of why I still struggle with control.

God saved me on February 23, 2009. There was so much confusion, so much lostness, so much out of my control. The best way I can explain it is that it felt like I was in a fog with a never ending search for a way out.

Then in a moment of clarity, all I could see was this simple fact: I had no control.

My life was out of control and I could not find a way to solve it, plan it, or figure it out. The only option that was clear was that I had to trust that God was in control. Jesus’s death made even perfect sense to me in that moment - He died for me, the man without hope to save himself, so that I would live for Him, the One in control of all things.

Jesus’s death was not an accident or something that was out of the Father’s control. His death was a part of the plan - it was THE plan. His overwhelming and holy love was for people who rejected him and sought so hard to save themselves. His died to kill death, sin, and Satan and to free His chosen children from their slavery of trying to control everything. He was, is, and will forever be in control of all things - even us.

I can write this now with a sense of relief, but I know that my heart is prone to wander away from the Truth. I know that the Holy Spirit is the power to overcome these desires, so all I can do is depend on Him to strengthen me to persevere and kill my desire for control.

God’s plan is not thwarted. Jesus reigns.

God is good and gracious.

JLG