#Marriage - Fighting and Forgiveness

When I first decided to write a series on marriage I knew that this topic would be one of the most requested. I knew that fighting and forgiveness was a topic that needed to be addressed, and I knew that many marriages end today because someone - most of the time its both people -  could not forgive and release bitterness towards the other. Understanding that this post will not be all-inclusive, I hope to give some biblical perspective on a sensitive topic.

So, let’s just start.

Fighting Is Normal

Ali and I fight. I know, big shock. We fight about a range of different topics. We have had disputes about changing the toilet paper, where the remote is located, if it is okay to burp in the other’s face, and if we should put up the Christmas tree in November. Also, we have fights about more serious topics such as how to discipline our future children, if one of us feels disrespected by the other, how to handle family disagreements, and what city we should pursue long-term for church planting. The arguments, disagreements, or disputes sometimes end quickly. Sometimes these issues take much longer to work through.

I know that we are not the only couple to fight on, what seems like, a daily basis. I know this because two sinners being in the same place for a long enough period of time will end or include some type of fight. No matter how much you love and commit yourself to the other person, you will have some fights.

Fighting in the context of marriage is a very different matter than any other relationship. A married couple that fights should look differently because the relationship is one of covenant. “A covenant is a promise by which we obligate ourselves to one another in such a way that the obligation of one party is not dependent on the faithfulness of the other” (Mars Hill Church). So, as a husband I should be faithful in loving, providing, and serving my wife in such a way that does rely on her prior action of faithfulness. We are to fight differently because our love and commitment is not based on what we get from the other person.

Forgiveness and Bitterness

Are we going to forgive or become bitter? There’s two options and we have to pick one. What does forgiveness and bitterness look like?

Forgiveness is all about loving despite the other person’s sin. There is no distinction between any person, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23, ESV). Since we all have sinned against God and at times against other people, we all deserve nothing more than separation from God. But God, being rich in mercy and steadfast love gave His Son to pay the penalty that we deserve. Jesus died a brutal death on the cross after living a sinless life so that we could be forgiven and made right before God the Father. Jesus became sin on the cross for us. He became our lies, our lust, our hatred, our bitterness, and our idolatry on the cross so that we would not have to spend eternity away from Him. If we have placed our faith in Christ, then we are forgiven. How can we not forgive our spouses for their sin if God has forgiven us? “Forgiveness is an ongoing lifestyle that is incredibly costly to us and lived our of love for God and others” (Real Marriage, p 94).

Bitterness is just the opposite of forgiveness. Forgiveness offers mercy and bitterness offers cruelty. Forgiveness offers grace and bitterness offers disgrace.

You might be thinking, “Jake, I am not bitter. I simply want them to as me for forgiveness or simply be sorry for what they did!” Or you might be thinking, “I don’t think I am bitter…” 

Well, here’s a quick test: Think of a person that has wronged you recently in some way. Now, think of how you speak about them. Do you speak highly of this person? Do you pray for them? Do you hope for their faith in Jesus to grow? If there is no on one those three questions, you should probably have a talk with them. Of course this list is not exhaustive, but this list could help you start thinking about how to seek forgiveness.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people might have justified reasons why they become bitter: they were sinned against! That might be true, but bitterness is an active choice to seek the exact opposite for what God wants for us. God has reconciled His children together so that they might be reconciled to Himself and to each other. The Christian Church should be a distinct people that is eager to seek forgiveness and reconciliation. At times, this is going to hurt. At times, this is going to suck. But, seeking reconciliation is ultimately what God did for us while we were actively rejecting Him.

One last note: If you and your spouse are fully committed to loving and serving one another no matter what the other has done, is doing, or will do to you, this should thrust you to forgiving each other as Christ has forgiven both of you.

A Healthy Fight

There are two aspects to a healthy fight: wording and a good fight process.

Wording

Our wording needs to be encouraging. We are to avoid being overly critical and contemptuous. Our words should build up the other person while still communicating our main point.

Our wording needs to be respectful. Disrespect is very easy to communicate in tone and attitude, so focus on respecting the other person’s needs and perspective.

Our wording needs to be open. Spouses should be honest and vulnerable with one another. Share your genuine opinion.

Our wording needs to be engaging. Avoid wording that is closed ended with conversation not being optional. Allow the person to respond in a respectful and loving way.

A Good Fight Process

Discern - We should discern if the other person has sinned against us. If so, keep going down the process. If not, this might not be something to fight about, but if the issue is reoccurring address it right away to stray away from bitterness.

Method - A husband knows his wife better than anybody, so when going about a method of delivering your concern decide which is best for your spouse. If the person is normally defensive, find a graceful and gracious approach to start the conversation. Knowing your spouses tendency can help you find a helpful and loving approach.

Pray - Pray for grace and strength to remain loving and honest with your spouse. Pray that the Holy Spirit is present and active in both of your hearts. Pray for humbleness and forgiveness from you and your spouse.

Forgive - Be quick to forgive the person if they ask for forgiveness. Do not let them off the hook but also do not push them into a corner to ask for forgiveness. Allow the Holy Spirit to convict their heart and if they seem to have genuinely repented for their sin and ask you to forgive them, do so with a loving and sacrificial heart.

Seek Help (If Needed) - If a lack of forgiveness is an unfortunate result of conversation, then seek outside help. Seek someone that will point you back to the truth of the gospel as our standard of forgiveness and need of reconciliation. That might be a pastor, but that also might mean it is a trusted Christian couple. Seek help. Do not give up. Fight for your marriage.

Read This: If any verbal, emotional, or physical abuse is happening in your marriage seek help immediately. Be bold and be courageous. God is good and He loves you deeply. Jesus died for you and I love you. Please make contact and do not let it go unheard. God sees you struggling and He loves you so much.

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I pray that this was helpful. I pray that God used this to show you how much we all need His grace and forgiveness. We all fall short, but do not let that get you down. Jesus died for you and He is searching after all of us to love Him. 

Seek forgiveness and reconciliation. Fight against bitterness and pride. Seek God. Fight sin. 

God is good and gracious.

Jacob Luis Gonzales and Ali Nichole Gonzales